Maintaining the Work/Life/Train Equilibrium

By Liz

I’m too busy to train. How can I balance obligations to my family and my crazy work schedule with jiujitsu training?

I competed last month, and in the five days leading up to the competition, I took some time off from the gym to rest up. I thought to myself, “Hooray! Now I’ll have more time to devote to work and school.” Indeed, I did spend more time in the office than I normally do, but I can say with confidence that I didn’t actually get more work done. I spent a lot of time staring at my computer screen doing nothing, playing on my phone, or otherwise distracting myself with Facebook, Reddit, and Netflix. My brain just couldn’t sustain the additional workload I expected from it, especially in the absence of physical activity.

It’s not the first time this has happened. There was a period of time a couple years ago when I wasn’t able to train. Sometimes it takes time off from the gym to realize how much you appreciate its presence in your life.

I spent more time in the office, but wasn’t any more productive than when I’m training regularly. Normally when I know I have training in the evening, I work efficiently and concentrate on the task at hand so that I can get everything done. But when I don’t have my training time as a deadline, I procrastinate and easily get distracted when I’m trying to do work. As a result I end up staying at the office late, but don’t end up getting much done. I leave the office feeling burned out and unproductive.

I try to maintain a satisfying work/play balance, but we all know it’s easier said than done. How can I follow my dreams of being a successful career woman and writing a book, while still maintaining connections with my family and friends? When is it time for me to buckle down and work hard, and when is it time to take the day off and spend time with the people I love?

I often struggle with how and when to make jiujitsu a priority in my life. Many of the women (and men) who have families especially struggle with when to train and when to spend time with and take care of their kids. For me, sometimes it feels like jiujitsu should take a lower priority over work and friends. After all, it’s really just a hobby, while my career and family is my future and my life.

However, since I began training over four years ago, I’ve learned from experience that training is essential for my mental health. Training is a type of self-compassion (it’s my ME time) that I cannot live without because my training time is key to keeping myself from burning out. In other words, not training would be the most selfish thing I could do. If I didn’t have the “me time” that training allows, I wouldn’t have the energy to be present for my family and friends. Quitting training would be the most detrimental thing I could do for my career. If I didn’t have the stress outlet that training allows, I wouldn’t have the mental or physical energy to devote to work and school.

When you’re super busy, that’s when training is most important to get rid of the stress and keep yourself from burning out mentally. Whether you’re studying for school, working in an office, or taking care of kids at home, we all need mat time for some self-care, stress relief, and time away from the house. Not only is physical activity key for getting a good dose of endorphins, but training allows you to see friendly faces at the gym and devote time to yourself and something you love to do for pure fun, something all of us need and most of us simply don’t get enough of.

I don’t think about the train/life balance as an opposed dichotomy. I see my training and my life as fundamentally intertwined: training is my life and my life is training. Training is fundamental to my life not just for the physical and mental benefits, but also for the friendships and community that I’ve been able to build as a result.

As I reflect on 2015, I’m so grateful for the presence of jiujitsu in my life. BJJ changed my life in a big way. It gave me confidence to protect and stand up for myself, helped me to believe in my value and worth, and gave me a sense of purpose and meaning. Last spring when I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw a status update from a training partner and friend, Christal Christian. She wrote the following message, “from the bottom of my heart,” she told me later. She wrote beautifully about how I feel regarding the importance of jiujitsu in my life.

A few weeks ago, I was drilling with another female BJJ enthusiast. After we were done drilling, we sat on the mat and talked for over an hour (it was mid-day and the gym was virtually empty). We talked about the ups and downs of life and our insecurities, and she gave me advice on how to deal with emotional hardships, as well as being a woman in a male-dominated environment: keep a journal, don’t stop writing, believe in your fundamental value as a human being, and don’t be ashamed to take up space and stand up for yourself.

After drilling and talking with her, I realized that training isn’t just about going through the motions of a move or roll. It’s about community. It’s about having the time to talk and laugh with friends. Even though that hour I spent talking with her was one hour I didn’t spend at the office, it was 100% worth it. I realized then that the time I’ve spent at the gym whether training or talking with friends has been worth it, whether for keeping me sane, keeping me devoted to work and family, or keeping me mentally and physically healthy. And I’m not saying to never take time off. Rest and recovery is just as important as your time in the gym and taking breaks are key for keeping jiujitsu a sustainable life practice.

Keeping the work/life/train balance in equilibrium is key. Work and life are not opposed dichotomies. It’s not a zero-sum game where time training necessarily means time subtracted from your life. Nobody wants the work/life/train spheres to be fighting in a hierarchical ranking of one over the other. Rather, if you can bring them into an intertwined equilibrium, you can develop community and take care of your health at the same time. Who knows? Someday you might even build a career out of doing jiujitsu, and get your family on the mats, too.

Liz started jiujitsu in 2011, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in 11 competitions. She’s learned through training that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just show up.

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Maintaining a Jiujitsu Journal

By Liz

Why should I keep a jiujitsu journal?

A jiujitsu journal is a place where you can write down the techniques you learned that day, as well as record your physical state (“pain in right knee, very fatigued after 2 rolls, ate too much too close to training”) and general experiences during that training session (“felt great today, fun flow roll with Josh at the beginning, got smashed by Kayla during last roll”).

There are several good reasons to keep a journal devoted to jiujitsu:

• Keeping a jiujitsu journal encourages you to pay close attention during class: When you know you’re going to be writing down the techniques later, you are forced to pay attention to every detail--both while the coach is talking and while you are drilling the move. I’ve found that sometimes I space out while the coach is talking and sometimes even do the moves half-heartedly, just going through the motions without really paying attention to what I’m doing and ignoring the details. However, when I know I have to write down the techniques later, I pay close attention to what all four of my limbs are doing, where to put the pressure, when to change positions, how exactly to hold each grip, and how to transition through each move… because otherwise my notes will be crap later. This helps me get the most out of my training time.   
• Keeping a jiujitsu journal encourages drilling before and after class: Sometimes I’m so tired after class that I head to the locker rooms right away without a second thought about what I learned that day. But when I know I have to write the techniques down later, I’ll stay after class and review the moves a few times with a willing partner for five minutes, and will often come back early the next day to drill the moves again.
• The process of writing helps you remember and creates a record for later: You will inevitably forget the details, and keeping a journal allows you to keep going back and drilling moves you learned weeks or months later, helping reinforce the muscle memory of various techniques into your brain.

How should I keep a jiujitsu journal?

Here are my tips for keeping the journal:

• Drill the moves you learned that day again after class is over, and make sure you have all the details correct and solid. Ask your coach to watch you do the move once to make sure you’re doing it correctly.
• Write it down as soon as you get home (or, even better, in the locker room) in as much detail as possible.
• Keep all of the entries in one place and organized by date, and give some details for who your partner was to help jog your memory when you look back on the entry later.
• Detail how you were feeling emotionally and physically that day. Some people also keep a food journal as well. This will help you pick up patterns. For awhile, I was feeling really weak during rolls. When I went back to review my notes, I noticed that in my notes, I was writing “feeling fatigued” during most of my entries. That prompted me to see a nutritionist, who informed me that I wasn’t eating enough. If I hadn’t kept that record, I think I would have thought I was just tired and not realized that it was a consistent trend that was affecting my training.
• Frequently review your notes. Go through them once at the end of the week, and again at the end of the month. This will help refresh your memory. This will also help you get better at writing them, because when you look back on your notes from the week before, you will realize the details you left out but need to include next time.  

Keeping a jiujitsu journal helps keep you focused on technique and helps organize your thoughts. It also helps you keep track of your progress and any injuries or illness. Although it can take an extra 15 minutes of your time each day, it’s definitely worth it to keep you progressing through advanced moves.

Liz started jiujitsu in 2011, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in 11 competitions.

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An Abridged Beginner's Guide to BJJ for Women

By Meg

In BJJ, women face a slew of unique issues, and as beginners in this sport, your male coach is probably not your best source. Sure, he's got 50 ways to do an armbar, but does he know how to strap boobs down so as not to suffocate during inverted guard? Just for fun, try asking him.

In this post, we cover the bare bones of several issues and questions female beginners usually encounter, but might be afraid to ask. All topics have been or will be covered in more detail on our blog, but in the meantime, consult this abridged version!

What You Should Wear

A T-shirt and gym shorts are always acceptable. If you attend a gi class, you may be provided with the appropriate uniform. In a no-gi class, remember to wear long shorts or leggings. Think twice about low-cut shirts or just a sports bra. In BJJ, clothing gets yanked around constantly, and your boob popping out on some red-faced guy is a situation that should be avoided. Once you get started, you might decide to buy a rash guard, which is a tight spandex shirt that keep everything tucked in tight and comfortable. Larger-chested ladies might want to consider doubling up on sports bras. Remove any jewelry and makeup before class.

This lady has a nice double-braid combo going on to control her hair.

Hair Issues, Fixes, and Puns

Possibly one of the most annoying things about rolling is your hair. Stay on top and it's all dandy, but the minute you get caught, the situation gets…hairy. Ever see a woman go into a guillotine with a perfect ponytail and escape with an atomic explosion on her head? It looks something like those 80's trolls.

You're thinking, I'll just give up and roll with my hair free. No. It will fall into your mouth and smother you. It will slap people across the face. It will get stuck under your partner's knee, and you'll be left staring at chunks of hair on the mat in horror.

Here are some fixes women (and long-haired men) have developed, so you can roll without hair-rowing troubles.

• Cut it off: The most obvious but perhaps the scariest option. However, gone are days when you retie your hair during and after every roll. Check out some other BJJ gals liberated by short hair here.
• Bind it in braids: If you have long, thick hair, this option may work best for you. Be sure to keep them very tight, but using bobby pins is a no-no. Your partner won't appreciate getting stabbed by your hair accessories. (Et tu, Brute?)
• Place it strategically: In BJJ, you spend a lot of time with your head scraping across the ground. Whether you prefer a braid or Ronda Rousey buns, keep your hair high or low on your head.

Training on Your Period

With the flexible pads, sports tampons, and even this cup that we have today, training on your period is a non-issue. Exercise actually alleviates cramps and bloating, but keep in mind your body might be weaker during menstruation and cut yourself some slack if you can't perform as well as usual. If you typically experience a heavy flow, double up on products (e.g., tampon + pad) and wear dark pants, just in case.

Unexpected Things You Should Expect

Expect to fart on someone, and be farted on, and then laugh about it or start coughing as a cover-up. You're probably not fooling anyone though. Expect to get so drenched in sweat that you're not sure how much is yours and how much is your partner's. Expect that fateful, slow-motion moment when a drop of sweat rolls off your partner's nose and lands in your eye.

Train long enough and you will almost certainly encounter these gross situations. However, expect to feel stronger, braver, and more confident. Expect to feel badass.

How to Act

If you are taking time to read this post, I assume you are serious about BJJ, or at least you are not solely there to cause trouble. Women have made small strides in the BJJ world to be recognized for their hard work, dedication, and talent. When another woman struts across the mat in tiny clothing and smoky-eyed makeup then spends the whole class giggling and making vulgar suggestions about mount, it unfairly reflects on us all.

All personalities are welcome on the mat, and when you're there, please demand the respect other women have been chasing for decades. We still have a long way to go. Welcome to the team.

Meg started jiujitsu in 2012, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in five competitions.

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Building Respect

By Liz

This post was originally titled, “Building Respect as a Female Coach.” Meg and I are both coaches of primarily male students at our respective gyms, and thus feel we have unique perspectives and useful advice on coaching BJJ. However, I changed the title because I think the following is relevant to everyone, not just jiujitsu coaches. Because at the end of the day, building respect as a female coach is really about building respect for yourself as a person.

For a variety of historical, societal, and cultural reasons, women often find themselves struggling for the respect they deserve. As female coaches, we need to make a concerted effort to build rapport with our students because respect usually doesn’t come easily to us.

This post is meant to help with that by sharing some advice and experiences on building respect. I briefly talked about setting high standards, instilling confidence in others, and expressing compassion towards insecurity on the mat in a previous post. Here, I’m first going to discuss my thoughts on practicing courage and compassion by setting clear boundaries. Second, I’m going to share some practical tips on building respect and communicating value.

COURAGE AND COMPASSION

Building respect with your students is about striking a balance between courage and compassion. Or as I sometimes like to think, commanding respect is about being a chocolate-covered pretzel: salty and sweet at the same time.

What I mean by “courage” in this context is the act of firmly setting, clearly communicating, and consistently maintaining your standards and boundaries. Shout-out to Brene Brown and Kristin Neff (check out their books I’ve linked to here) for inspiring me in this arena.

First one needs to take the time to decide what the ground rules are going to be. For example, lateness will not be tolerated, and each student must do 1 burpee for every 1 minute they are late. No talking while I’m talking, and talking will result in getting kicked off the mat. Rude or inappropriate behavior will result in a firm talking-to after class.

Now here comes the hard part: sticking to your boundaries. This is the scary part for most of us. I know when I set out to punish a student, sometimes my voice gets shaky and face gets hot. It takes courage to put your foot down.

Think about any good parent, teacher, or coach you have had in your past. This is what sets them apart from the rest: they clearly communicated their standards, but also maintained their boundaries.

As soon as you let someone disregard a boundary you have clearly communicated to them, you show them that they can break rules with no consequences. You lose respect as an authority figure in that moment.

In addition to maintaining your boundaries, the other key to building mutual respect with your students is in setting high standards. I could keep going over mount escapes with my students every single week, but I make sure to keep them progressing through more and more challenging techniques because I know they can rise to the challenge.

By presenting them with a high standard and expecting them to live up to it, I communicate to them that I respect them as students able to execute challenging techniques, which instills in each one of them a sense of confidence and I gain respect as a teacher in the process.

After all, why should they try to raise your low standards if you communicate that you don’t believe in them?

There is one more crucial aspect to building respect as a coach: compassion. Setting boundaries is a key component of compassion. After all, how can you practice compassion with your students if they are walking all over you?  

Jiujitsu is an incredibly vulnerable and scary sport, and anyone who sets foot on the mat deserves major props just for trying it out. It’s a new thing for most people and so by approaching each person with compassion in knowing that person is insecure (because we all are insecure whether or not we’re on the mat, but especially on the mat), we engage in our shared humanity.

This does not mean letting anything fly because you feel bad for them. It means understanding that this person is going through a moment of suffering in insecurity, and to reach out to them with understanding, respect and kindness. Let them know they are brave, they are a valuable student whether or not they are “good,” and they are doing something good for themselves mentally and physically. Never forget your actions and words have the power to inspire or discourage other people.

Try reaching out to the new person on the mat to give them extra attention and praise, or show some advanced techniques to the top students. Consider publicly rewarding those who improve, help others, and try hard--not just the ones who can berimbolo or tap out fellow students.

COMMUNICATING VALUE

Building respect with others revolves around the following principle: people respond to you how you expect to be treated.

How does one communicate an expectation of respect?

We must first respect ourselves and approach our students with a genuine belief that we are high value. People can sense this. Your students can tell when you are shy or nervous, which shows them you don’t think of yourself as high value.

How can you expect anyone to respect you if you don't even respect yourself?

How can we cultivate in ourselves this notion of high value and effectively communicate our high value to others? We’re all insecure. So how do we get into the high-value mindset in order to establish respect from our students?

Here are some practical tips to get into the mindset that you are a valuable coach. This was actually adapted from a guide I randomly found on Reddit for pick-up game, but I’ve adapted it to fit my own life because I think it’s useful for all different kinds of situations.

1. Think positively and get into the persona

Create a persona for your jiujitsu coaching and force yourself to think this over and over (even if it isn't true yet or you don't believe it).

My persona is:

• I’m awesome
• I am a beast and master of jiujitsu 
• I frequently have people seeking my instruction
• My time is valuable and not to be wasted by slackers or disrespectful students
• Teaching jiujitsu is totally normal for me

Going back to the main principle I began with: people respond to you how you expect to be treated. So you need to develop a mindset of how you expect to be treated when you are coaching. What I expect:

• I’m here to have fun and learn from my students as much as they learn from me.
• My students appreciate my presence and my instruction; they are not late for class.
• My students respect me and are eager to learn from me; they do not talk when I’m talking or talk back to me. 
• My students are looking to me as a role model and are trying their best; they do not slack off during technique drilling or rolling.  

Drill these expectations in your head and respond to your students genuinely as if that is where you are coming from, even if you doubt yourself at first. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy: when you are expecting to find respect, you will start noticing the little things students do to show their respect--and you will be able to easily point out when students are actually disrespecting you.

You need to communicate to your students that instructing jiujitsu is completely normal for you. I’m not saying you should pretend you have all the answers when you don’t; it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know.” But it’s important to communicate that you are totally confident when saying, “I don’t know.”

2. Not thinking negatively

Anytime you find yourself having self-deprecating thoughts, take 5-10 seconds and stop yourself. Take 5 minutes if you need to, but once you silence the negative thoughts, replace them with good thoughts and beliefs, using the above persona.

3. Memories

Make a list of your successes and your good memories of teaching and training jiujitsu. Maybe a win at a competition or a time when a student told you that you’ve inspired them. Lock those in and force yourself to remember them, and let them give you confidence.

4. The Process

Before instructing, get yourself into a good space. Relive your successes, and repeat your expectations and positive mindsets. Shut down any negative thoughts.

After the class, remember the session and again focus on your successes. Going through failures is fine, but once you think through them once, tell yourself, "I've learned everything I can from that, and thinking about it longer is just harmful," then shut it out. As you grow, focus on how much you have improved in your jiujitsu and your instruction.

These principles ring true for parents, teachers, coaches, friends, and significant others. It’s a balance between the salty and sweet, and one that can only be learned after making mistakes with mindful self-awareness. Believe in your high value and everything else will follow.

Liz has been training jiujitsu since 2011 and got her blue belt in 2013. 

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When BJJ Keeps You Up At Night

By Meg

While many jiujitsu practitioners find training helps them sleep, it has the complete opposite effect for others. Evening classes leave some people with their minds still running through techniques and their muscles still tense when they lie down to sleep. Everyone knows how to count sheep and heat up milk, but what do you do when those methods fail?

I've struggled with sleep for four years. BJJ is not the only culprit of my chronic insomnia, but I've collected a few tried-and-true methods of my own. If you struggle with sleep, BJJ-related or not, see if these sleep techniques work for you!

Desperate times call for something something...

Write It Down

Instead of drifting off, your brain starts working overtime. You picture and analyze each technique you learned that night. You obsess over things you did right and wrong during rolling. Before you know it, you've been lying awake for two hours.

Before it gets this far, switch the light back on and scribble down the techniques. Even better, if it's a common issue, take a few minutes to write these down before bed and avoid the problem altogether. Not only will you sleep better, but writing the information down helps you remember it later.

Soothe Your Muscles

Aches and pains always follow me home after training, whether it was a light session or not. If sore muscles are disrupting your sleep, take a warm bath or shower after training. This should be easy as you should be showering after BJJ anyway. If you take a bath, drop some Epsom salts in for an extra soothing soak. I also keep ibuprofen on my nightstand for neck pain and headaches.

4-7-8 Breathing

During a sleepless phase, my husband showed me a sleep aid method he had found online. Basically, this method causes your heart rate to slow down and promotes a better physical state for sleep to set in. Here's how it works:

1. Inhale through your nose for a count of four.
2. Hold this breath for a count of seven.
3. Exhale through your mouth for a count of eight.

Read more about the 4-7-8 method here. Some claim this method can put you to sleep in 60 seconds, which I think is completely bogus. However, it is certainly psychologically and physiologically calming.

Sleep With Me Podcast 

The guy on this podcast has struggled with insomnia himself, and he tells endearing, sometimes chuckle-worthy, but boring-enough-to-fall-asleep bedtime stories for about one hour. You can get the podcast on Stitcher or iTunes for free. Check out his website here.

ASMR, My Holy Grail of Sleep Aids

ASMR, or autonomous sensory meridian response, is described by Wikipedia as "a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli." Many fans of ASMR describe it as a "massage for the brain" and compare it to meditation for its tendency to shut down stress and anxiety. ASMR includes a huge variety of triggers, like the sounds of whispering, crinkling plastic, or a brush gliding through hair, because everyone responds differently to different stimuli.

Give ASMR a shot. At first the videos seemed weird to me. I wondered if it was some fetish I hadn't heard of and thought it was silly. Fifteen minutes later, I was in one of the deepest, best sleeps I'd had in a long time.

Here is my favorite ASMR creator, Ally at ASMRrequests. Her YouTube channel features everything from hair salon roleplays to purely binaural sound videos.

So next time you try to catch some Z's after an awesome jiujitsu class and can't, I hope you try these methods and have some success. If you harbor some sleep secrets of your own, comment below and share your tips!

Good night, sleep tight, and dream of armbars, everyone!


Meg started jiujitsu in 2012, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in five competitions.

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That Time Jiujitsu Gave Me Herpes

By Liz

I’ll never forget the first time I got a skin infection from jiujitsu.

It was after I’d been training for two months. I was only training no-gi at that time. I noticed I had an itchy spot that felt bumpy on my back, but didn’t think much about it. My boyfriend at the time noticed it and mentioned it, telling me to have a doctor look at it if it wasn’t better in a couple days. A few days later, I asked a couple friends at the jiujitsu gym to look at it.

“That looks like herpes,” one of the guys said.

My jaw hit the floor. My heart dropped into my stomach. I felt dizzy.

“What?” I practically screamed.

They started chuckling. “Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. Almost all wrestlers get herpes. It happened to almost everyone on my high school wrestling team. I have a staph infection on my back that comes back every once in awhile when I get stressed or don’t get enough sleep.”

I went through the rest of training, but I’m not sure how since I was freaking out internally the entire time. That night, I researched high and low on the internet about herpes gladiatorum while binge eating on ice cream. Some things kept coming up over and over again that almost gave me a panic attack: herpes is incurable and stays in your system for the rest of your life, and may or may not cause recurring infections when your immune system is compromised.

I went to the doctor. He took one look at it, said, “Yup, that’s herpes all right!” He prescribed anti-viral oral and topical herpes medications and it took about three weeks for it to go away.

That was four years ago and I’ve haven’t had another outbreak since (though I have had other viral and bacterial skin infections despite religiously showering after training and washing my gear properly).

I realized later it wasn’t as bad as I thought. As it turns out, the type of herpes that wrestlers usually contract is the same strain of the herpes virus that people who get cold sores have (Herpes Simplex Virus type 1, also known as HSV-1). I soon came to recognize that getting skin infections from jiutjistu is just part of the game. Besides showering after training, and following basic hygiene practices, to a certain extent there’s really no way around it. By stepping onto the mat you are accepting the fact that you are putting yourself at risk for skin infections.

Through exaggeration in the media, the government and the health care system (for various political and economic reasons) make STDs, especially herpes, have a very dirty connotation, and have effectively stigmatized people who get STDs. The truth of the matter is: herpes is a harmless set of tiny red bumps, whether they’re on your mouth, or back, or leg, it’s not life threatening. It’s a cold sore--annoying but not the end of the world.

I've also gotten warts on my feet- make sure you go to the dermatologist and then treat them consistently after that with salicylic acid. I had one other bad incident with skin infections. At an annual visit to the dermatologist, she noticed that I had molluscum all over my legs. I didn’t even notice because they show up as little red bumps and I thought it was from shaving.

It turns out I probably just had one or two of the molluscum bumps and then shaved my legs, spreading the virus all over. I had to stop doing jiujitsu, and go through various topical treatments for the molluscum, which included two particularly horrible and painful treatments, the details I won’t get into.

I wasn’t able to train for over a month while I tried to heal. I went a little bit crazy, which confirmed to myself that BJJ was essential for my mental health and I couldn’t live without it. “I guess I’m going to have to get my black belt now…It might take me twenty years, but it’s going to happen,” I thought to myself. “Because I’m never going to be able to stop doing this sport.”

It reminded me how difficult it can be when you are injured or sick to stop doing something you love. An injury or infection can throw you into a depression.

In this light, I have a couple tips on how to prevent infections:

• Cover all of your skin with long-sleeved rash guards and tights (though this is obviously not foolproof since viruses travel in sweat).
• Shower immediately after training.
• Go to the doctor and stop training immediately if you notice anything weird going on with your skin.
• Don’t freak out if you get herpes--it’s just another name for a cold sore.

Liz has been training jiujitsu since 2011 and got her blue belt in 2013. 

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Training in Thailand: The Heart of the Matter

Guest post by Sarah Tynen

Meg and I with Professor Olavo.

On our first day of training in Thailand, we walked into the mat room. It was a large, air-conditioned, L-shaped room with wall-to-wall cushy judo mats and motivating phrases such as “For just one day in your life, train with the will to die.” plastered on the wall. I scanned the room, quickly surveying the situation. Were there any other women?

In a class of about 20 men, there was one other girl there that day, a white belt in a pink gi, her long, blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. Near the end of our first training session on that Monday afternoon, I rolled with her once. She was tough: aggressive, feisty, smart, and technical. I caught her in one submission, a triangle.

After we rolled, we lined up against the wall, waiting to be chosen for the next roll, and she turned to me. “How long are you going to be here?” she asked with a big smile on her face. “Just a week,” I replied. “Oh, not long enough! That’s so short… there’s so much I could learn from you, it’s a shame you’re not staying longer.” I just grinned in response. Girl power for the win. Unfortunately I didn’t see her again after that day.

The next day during the noon session, a petite girl with four stripes on her blue belt (“That’s basically a purple belt,” Meg whispered to me during the water break) showed up to class. That day we were practicing the bow-and-arrow choke from standing back control, and the girl was paired up with a short but very large man. I ran up to her and asked if she’d like to join Meg and me. She said yes and joined us. She was friendly and warm. She then told us she had been training at PTT for a couple years. We'll say her name was Leslie. While we were practicing the move, I noticed that although she looked petite, she was actually very strong. Her jiujitsu was tough and technical.

After practicing that move for a while, we had sparring time, but neither Meg nor I got a chance to roll with Leslie. After we shook hands at the end of class, I asked Leslie if she’d like to roll. “Sorry, I’m really tired today,” she said. Then she added, “To be honest, I don’t roll with women. I don’t know why, I just have a phobia of rolling with other women.”

Say what now? You have a phobia of rolling with other women?

She explained, “I’ve had some bad experiences, and I just get really nervous. I just don’t know how to roll with other women, so I just don’t do it. It’s a serious phobia. I’m terrified of it.”

At that moment, Meg came running up and said, “Seriously, it’s so nice to meet you, I’m so glad you’re here.” Then Leslie broke the news to her: “I was just telling Sarah, I have a phobia of rolling with women. You can ask Professor Olavo. I never roll with women.” Olavo came over and related a story to us about how one time Leslie made another girl cry during a roll.

Somehow amidst the conversation, I clearly remember saying, “That’s totally fine if you’re not comfortable with it, I don’t want to pressure you,” but then I suggested flow rolling, so she said okay. We started flow rolling and about 30 seconds in, she said, “But you’re not even trying, you’re not even resisting me.” I replied, “Yeah, I’m flow rolling.”

She looked puzzled and said, “I guess I don’t really know how to flow roll.” So I suggested we could roll with more resistance, and she said okay. While we were rolling, things escalated really fast. She was going 100%, almost spazzing out on me, strong, aggressive, fast, but also a bit out of control. Before I knew it, her knee hit my jaw hard. She immediately stopped and apologized, “See this is why I don’t roll with women. It freaks me out. I get scared and anxious and then people end up getting hurt.” I shook hands with her, said it was all good, and told her not to worry. Feeling somewhat awkward, I excused myself and headed out.

Our Phuket Top Team nogi class.

On our walk back to the hotel, Meg kept saying over and over, “I just don’t understand how or why this is a thing.” Indeed, it was very strange. This is how I understood it. I have to admit that it is different and nerve-wracking to roll with other women for me sometimes, especially women of the same rank as myself. If she’s a white belt, then I don’t worry and I focus on technique. If she’s a purple belt, I know she’s going to dominate me.

But if she’s a blue belt, there’s a little inkling of competition, of anxiety to prove myself and my belt level (though I realized this is an unhealthy attitude, I have to admit I feel this way sometimes). I can’t make the excuse that she’s stronger than me or bigger than me. It’s woman to woman. My most intense rolls are always against other women, because women don’t hold anything back when they roll with me. And so as a result, rolling with other women is always an intense physical and emotional experience--a test of willpower and strength, as well as a contest of pure technique. My most technical and most physically intense rolls are almost always with other women. And if I get submitted by another blue belt, I have to admit that my ego walks away a little bruised. I think that might be the situation for Leslie, but 10 times worse.

Leslie showed up to class two days later. When Olavo asked her if she wanted to roll with Meg or me, she said no. That was the last we saw of her.

We were disappointed there weren’t any other advanced women to roll with at PTT, but we didn’t let that ruin our week. Professor Olavo was a passionate coach, who taught with enthusiasm and vigor (even though he had an ear infection). He showed a few techniques every class and then would let us practice on our own, walking around the room, talking through the moves step by step, meticulously correcting our mistakes, and helping us perfect our technique.

He embodied compassion in a very real way: even though he knew Meg and I were only going to be there for a week, he taught us as if we were family. His compassion while teaching touched both of us and made a big impact on our positive experience at PTT.

The week was physically exhausting but mentally refreshing. Having the time to train jiutjitsu two to three times a day while being surrounded by friendly, like-minded people with similar goals and interests was a really cool immersion experience.

Besides one negative experience with a substitute no-gi coach, who consistently and blatantly completely ignored Meg and me during class, most of the other guys on the mat were friendly and welcoming. We made a couple friends, got lunch together, and hung out at the pool at our hotel, chatting about training and jiujitsu. After one week of training full-time, we were so exhausted that we agreed one to two weeks of full-time training was enough. Though there were some other people there who had been training full-time at PTT for over a year and planned to stay longer, living the dream.

Potential next stop? Brazil.

Much-deserved beach day after a great week at PTT.

Sarah has been training jiujitsu since 2011 and is currently doing research for her PhD in China while coaching jiujitsu on the side.

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