The Bitch versus The Flirt

By Liz

How can a woman training jiujitsu be taken seriously, but not come off as a bitch? How exactly does one manage to be friendly, but not be misinterpreted as flirty?

As women, we can’t avoid the fact that we have to constantly negotiate the flirty versus bitchy personality dichotomy.

One of my close guy friends from the gym told me recently, “I thought you were a bitch when I first met you. You would barely look at me, let alone talk to me! I remember one day in particular we got to roll. I thought you were so awesome. I was really impressed by your beastly jiujitsu. I was like, damn that girl can roll! But you were kinda rude to me. You barely even acknowledged me! You acted like you were better than everyone else.”

I don’t remember the particular interaction that he was talking about, but I do remember feeling shy during my first year at that gym and not wanting to come off as a flirt. I also wanted to be taken seriously.

I didn’t know how to interact with the guys at the gym. I felt so much more comfortable with the women at my gym, and we would often talk with each other in the locker rooms after class. But with the guys, I was intimidated, sometimes creeped out, and sometimes just plain shy. I didn’t talk to them much during my first year at the gym. I wanted to keep to myself, but also self-conscious of my female-ness and didn’t what to come off as a flirt.

Now, three years later, I’m much more comfortable being friendly with everyone at the gym, and as a result I’ve attracted more than one unwanted (and wanted) admirers. I have also been accused by more than one person of being a flirt. I still have not successfully been able to master the skill of being nice but not too friendly, and being serious but not a bitch. If anyone has any advice on this matter, please do comment below. It’s one of the many challenges we face on the mat as women.

Doing jiujitsu is an activity that makes most people feel incredibly vulnerable at first. My experience has taught me to act the same way around the girls and guys--with genuine compassion and respect for the person standing in front of you. Not as an object, but as a human being with fears and insecurities just like yourself, as a person who just wants to be loved and accepted like everyone else in this world. Have fun, be a genuinely nice and caring person, and treat yourself and others with the respect and value they deserve, and everything else will fall into place.

How do I come off as serious and build respect from people at the gym by going my hardest without coming off as a total spaz--or worse, a total bitch?

Some people say the way you roll reflects your personality. I think this is true to a certain extent. As much as I hate to admit it, people have pointed out to me my passivity on the mat and in life. And I think they might be related.

Training partners often accuse me of not rolling hard enough or not being aggressive enough. Deep down, I really appreciate this because I know they’re just trying to push me to be the best I can be and they know I’m holding back. They believe in me and they know I can do better.

If am really honest with myself, I know that I am holding myself back during rolls much of the time. I know this because I roll harder at competition. This is mostly normal. I simply can’t train hard 100% of the time. But part of it is also a mental block holding me back from going as hard as I possibly can.

Sometimes with other women at the gym, I don’t go as hard as I can or should. Some of the women have called me out on this, and I love them for it. And I always go harder with them after they call me out on it, and I think they respect me a lot more after that… at least they tell me how proud they are of me when I roll hard.

Sometimes people at the gym don’t push people as hard as they need to be pushed. Women and men go light with smaller people because they don’t want to be that aggressive bully that everyone hates, myself included. But there is a delicate balance that can be struck. When you believe in other people, especially beginners, and push them hard, they will push back hard and will learn from it. They will appreciate that you pushed them to their limit. I love it when people push me hard.

One day I subbed in for the women’s class coach when she was sick. I went through the normal class routine, but in the last 10 minutes, we did some guard passing and sweeping live training. I pushed them hard, sweeping or submitting them every 30 seconds. But soon they responded with vigor and aggression, even managing to pass my guard a few times. We all left with smiles on our faces. In the classes previous, the coach had never let them do any live training, thinking that they couldn’t handle it.

I advocate for what Meg was talking about in her post last week: not spazzy, out-of-control rolling, but controlled, aggressive, and strong sparring. You will build respect from everyone around you for this, no matter your size or sex. Don’t hold yourself back because they’re a girl, or they’re a white belt, or they’re smaller than you or they’re your friend. Play your game and play it hard. Leave it all out on the mat, don’t hold anything back. Because all we have is this moment. 

So give it your all, because our mats don’t have space for people who are going to hold themselves back. The same goes for life: stick up for yourself with the controlled and respectful strength and confidence you know you have.

The same goes for the bitch versus flirt persona: treat yourself and others with respect and confidence, and others will follow in your example. Take the class seriously, roll hard, be friendly, and express genuine care for others. Your high expectations for yourself and others will show, and those around you will strive to meet the high standards you set for them--both on and off the mat.

Liz started jiujitsu in 2011, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in nine competitions. Although she is from California, she is currently training and coaching jiujitsu abroad. She’s learned through training that it's better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.

Email us at liz.meg223@gmail.com with your questions or comments, and we will post our answers in the next blog post! Look for our posts on Sunday night EST every other week (every second and fourth Sunday of the month).

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