Building Respect

By Liz

This post was originally titled, “Building Respect as a Female Coach.” Meg and I are both coaches of primarily male students at our respective gyms, and thus feel we have unique perspectives and useful advice on coaching BJJ. However, I changed the title because I think the following is relevant to everyone, not just jiujitsu coaches. Because at the end of the day, building respect as a female coach is really about building respect for yourself as a person.

For a variety of historical, societal, and cultural reasons, women often find themselves struggling for the respect they deserve. As female coaches, we need to make a concerted effort to build rapport with our students because respect usually doesn’t come easily to us.

This post is meant to help with that by sharing some advice and experiences on building respect. I briefly talked about setting high standards, instilling confidence in others, and expressing compassion towards insecurity on the mat in a previous post. Here, I’m first going to discuss my thoughts on practicing courage and compassion by setting clear boundaries. Second, I’m going to share some practical tips on building respect and communicating value.

COURAGE AND COMPASSION

Building respect with your students is about striking a balance between courage and compassion. Or as I sometimes like to think, commanding respect is about being a chocolate-covered pretzel: salty and sweet at the same time.

What I mean by “courage” in this context is the act of firmly setting, clearly communicating, and consistently maintaining your standards and boundaries. Shout-out to Brene Brown and Kristin Neff (check out their books I’ve linked to here) for inspiring me in this arena.

First one needs to take the time to decide what the ground rules are going to be. For example, lateness will not be tolerated, and each student must do 1 burpee for every 1 minute they are late. No talking while I’m talking, and talking will result in getting kicked off the mat. Rude or inappropriate behavior will result in a firm talking-to after class.

Now here comes the hard part: sticking to your boundaries. This is the scary part for most of us. I know when I set out to punish a student, sometimes my voice gets shaky and face gets hot. It takes courage to put your foot down.

Think about any good parent, teacher, or coach you have had in your past. This is what sets them apart from the rest: they clearly communicated their standards, but also maintained their boundaries.

As soon as you let someone disregard a boundary you have clearly communicated to them, you show them that they can break rules with no consequences. You lose respect as an authority figure in that moment.

In addition to maintaining your boundaries, the other key to building mutual respect with your students is in setting high standards. I could keep going over mount escapes with my students every single week, but I make sure to keep them progressing through more and more challenging techniques because I know they can rise to the challenge.

By presenting them with a high standard and expecting them to live up to it, I communicate to them that I respect them as students able to execute challenging techniques, which instills in each one of them a sense of confidence and I gain respect as a teacher in the process.

After all, why should they try to raise your low standards if you communicate that you don’t believe in them?

There is one more crucial aspect to building respect as a coach: compassion. Setting boundaries is a key component of compassion. After all, how can you practice compassion with your students if they are walking all over you?  

Jiujitsu is an incredibly vulnerable and scary sport, and anyone who sets foot on the mat deserves major props just for trying it out. It’s a new thing for most people and so by approaching each person with compassion in knowing that person is insecure (because we all are insecure whether or not we’re on the mat, but especially on the mat), we engage in our shared humanity.

This does not mean letting anything fly because you feel bad for them. It means understanding that this person is going through a moment of suffering in insecurity, and to reach out to them with understanding, respect and kindness. Let them know they are brave, they are a valuable student whether or not they are “good,” and they are doing something good for themselves mentally and physically. Never forget your actions and words have the power to inspire or discourage other people.

Try reaching out to the new person on the mat to give them extra attention and praise, or show some advanced techniques to the top students. Consider publicly rewarding those who improve, help others, and try hard--not just the ones who can berimbolo or tap out fellow students.

COMMUNICATING VALUE

Building respect with others revolves around the following principle: people respond to you how you expect to be treated.

How does one communicate an expectation of respect?

We must first respect ourselves and approach our students with a genuine belief that we are high value. People can sense this. Your students can tell when you are shy or nervous, which shows them you don’t think of yourself as high value.

How can you expect anyone to respect you if you don't even respect yourself?

How can we cultivate in ourselves this notion of high value and effectively communicate our high value to others? We’re all insecure. So how do we get into the high-value mindset in order to establish respect from our students?

Here are some practical tips to get into the mindset that you are a valuable coach. This was actually adapted from a guide I randomly found on Reddit for pick-up game, but I’ve adapted it to fit my own life because I think it’s useful for all different kinds of situations.

1. Think positively and get into the persona

Create a persona for your jiujitsu coaching and force yourself to think this over and over (even if it isn't true yet or you don't believe it).

My persona is:

• I’m awesome
• I am a beast and master of jiujitsu 
• I frequently have people seeking my instruction
• My time is valuable and not to be wasted by slackers or disrespectful students
• Teaching jiujitsu is totally normal for me

Going back to the main principle I began with: people respond to you how you expect to be treated. So you need to develop a mindset of how you expect to be treated when you are coaching. What I expect:

• I’m here to have fun and learn from my students as much as they learn from me.
• My students appreciate my presence and my instruction; they are not late for class.
• My students respect me and are eager to learn from me; they do not talk when I’m talking or talk back to me. 
• My students are looking to me as a role model and are trying their best; they do not slack off during technique drilling or rolling.  

Drill these expectations in your head and respond to your students genuinely as if that is where you are coming from, even if you doubt yourself at first. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy: when you are expecting to find respect, you will start noticing the little things students do to show their respect--and you will be able to easily point out when students are actually disrespecting you.

You need to communicate to your students that instructing jiujitsu is completely normal for you. I’m not saying you should pretend you have all the answers when you don’t; it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know.” But it’s important to communicate that you are totally confident when saying, “I don’t know.”

2. Not thinking negatively

Anytime you find yourself having self-deprecating thoughts, take 5-10 seconds and stop yourself. Take 5 minutes if you need to, but once you silence the negative thoughts, replace them with good thoughts and beliefs, using the above persona.

3. Memories

Make a list of your successes and your good memories of teaching and training jiujitsu. Maybe a win at a competition or a time when a student told you that you’ve inspired them. Lock those in and force yourself to remember them, and let them give you confidence.

4. The Process

Before instructing, get yourself into a good space. Relive your successes, and repeat your expectations and positive mindsets. Shut down any negative thoughts.

After the class, remember the session and again focus on your successes. Going through failures is fine, but once you think through them once, tell yourself, "I've learned everything I can from that, and thinking about it longer is just harmful," then shut it out. As you grow, focus on how much you have improved in your jiujitsu and your instruction.

These principles ring true for parents, teachers, coaches, friends, and significant others. It’s a balance between the salty and sweet, and one that can only be learned after making mistakes with mindful self-awareness. Believe in your high value and everything else will follow.

Liz has been training jiujitsu since 2011 and got her blue belt in 2013. 

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