Training Safely: It's Okay to Say No!

By Meg

During my first year of training jiujitsu, I rolled with everyone. I saw the spazzy or Jurassic-sized men as challenges. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, right? I certainly didn't back down from any man. Doing so would have marked me as weak and unable to keep up, which was a proud and self-inflicted pressure. I was always injured. Every month there was a twisted knee, fractured finger or toe, or biting neck pain.

In other cases, I just didn't want to be rude, and this stands true for many female jiujitsu practitioners. We can be hyperaware of others' feelings and generally aim to please. Have you ever been asked to roll by a person you were scared of, maybe by someone who has injured you before, and you still said yes? I hope you kicked his ass, but it's more likely you spent the entire time balled up protecting your limbs and just wanting it to end.

What would happen if you told him no? If you said, "I'm taking a break right now, but thanks." Or even more to the point, "Thanks, but I'm just rolling light today." It's very unlikely that he will walk away crushed and downtrodden. He probably won't even think twice about it. Not only do you avoid high risk of injury, but you also retain your enjoyment of jiujitsu.

The thing is, a spazzy and larger partner is not just harmful to your physical health. The damage goes even further than that.

Story time, fellow BJJers. Let me tell you about my moment of enlightenment with Ryan Hall. I visited his gym in DC soon after I received my blue belt, and since I was a fellow “hobbit" we had a couple rolls. I was nervous. I tried to armbar him and forgot the arm. Otherwise, it was a great experience and he leg locked me a lot.

When our roll ended, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "You need to start rolling with people your size."

He told me the more you train with people bigger than you and who overwhelm you with a size and strength advantage, the more rigid your game becomes. Your body's instinct to defend itself kicks in, and your muscles strain and brace, creating stiff, choppy movements instead of technique that flows. For example, instead of working to retain guard, you slam your elbows down and tense to protect your ribs from your partner's flopping guard pass.

Ryan could tell I had no regular hobbit-sized training partners after six minutes of rolling with me. He stopped me again the next day to stress the importance of choosing training partners carefully. If you ever visit Fifty/50, take some time to talk to him and especially his wife, Jen, who is also a black belt. They both have valuable advice.

To a point, your coach should be looking out for you. He or she should be able to spot the UFC enthusiasts who are fresh on the mat and raring to rip your ankles off, and then any match between you and said spaz should be stopped. If this isn't the case, consider having an honest talk with your coach about your safety.

Nonetheless, your coach will not always be there to protect you. Learn to say no for yourself. If someone approaches you for a roll, and he looks angry and out for blood, say no. If he is your friend but 30 kilos heavier and sloppy, say no. Even if you are in the middle of a roll, and your partner starts Hulking out and flipping you on your head, tap and bail.

Too proud to bail? Prepare for injuries and bad habits that you will almost certainly develop. Who's accustomed to being unable to bridge people off of you, so you don't even bother trying escapes? Yeah, I'll raise my hand here.

There's a chance all of your partners are bigger than you. No problem. You probably have a list, however short, of training partners you feel comfortable with. When it comes time to roll, take control of your own training and grab one of them.

It's okay to say no. Avoid being dramatic or accusatory. "No way, Bruce Banner, go smash someone else!" This is not okay. Spazzes and giants have feelings, too. A simple, "No thank you," will suffice and everyone goes home happy.

If you and I are similar, it might take a starry-eyed conversation with a BJJ legend, plus one more brutal stacking and neck injury to really get the point. It's an important lesson to learn though, because while it's thrilling to submit the big guy or triangle the resident misogynist and watch him flail until he taps, your health and the health of your BJJ game are much more important.

Meg started jiujitsu in 2012, got her blue belt in 2013, and has competed in four competitions.

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Email us at liz.meg223@gmail.com with your questions, and we will post our answers in the next blog post!

Women Warriors: We Need 100 Times More Heart

Most people don’t know what it’s like to be marginalized, but have you ever looked around the room and realized you were the only woman there? Or perhaps the only [insert your identity here] person? If the answer to this question is yes, then you know at least a little bit about how it feels to be in the minority.

A male friend asked me one day, “What’s it like to be a female jiujitsu practitioner?” I responded, “Well, try to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. What would it be like for you if jiujitsu was a highly female dominated sport? If all of the moves were designed for a female body type and you were usually the only guy in a class full of ladies?”

Picture this: In your gym of over 50 female members, there are only five other male members at the most. All of the coaches at your gym are women. You can expect on most days you will be the only male in an average class size of 15 women. There will be one or two other men there if you’re lucky, who may or may not be of a similar size and strength to yourself. Every single person you roll with that day is 10-60 pounds lighter than you. People around you are constantly making jokes about periods and boobs.

The coach addresses the class as “ladies” and yells out encouragements such as, “Let’s go, girls!” She may or may not awkwardly look at you and add, “And gents!” at the end once or twice. All techniques shown during class are designed by and for women. When people go to pick partners, you find yourself without one and have to ask the coach to pair you up with someone. You end up getting paired up with two women half your size.

During drilling, you constantly adjust your gi and rashguard, which don’t fit you quite right because they’re designed for a woman. Your partner’s hand slips to your butt and lingers for an awkward second. She apologizes and moves on, but you wonder if she had intentionally just copped a feel. The coach references vaginas several times during class and threatens the other women fiercely, “Remember don’t be a dick on the mat! Nobody wants to be a dick.”

When you tell other people you practice jiujitsu, their eyes get big and say, “Isn’t that a women’s sport? I don’t know any men who do that! Are you gay?” When you start to get friendly with one of your teammates, everyone assumes you’re dating and accuses you of being a flirt. When you tap someone out, they say it’s only because you’re stronger. When you attend a competition, you are the only one signed up in your division, and they won’t let you compete in the female division. When you get the chance to compete, there are only three other men in your division, so even if you go home with a gold medal, you feel like you don’t deserve it. When you get promoted, you can’t help but wonder if it’s only because you’re a man.

This is what it’s like to be a female doing jiujitsu. Just replace the above body parts with the appropriate anatomy and you get the idea.

This is why we created this blog. We are absolutely in LOVE with jiujitsu. Our teammates are also our best friends, and we couldn’t live without our training times or our training partners, both male and female. In fact, most of the men in jiujitsu are awesome, and the mats aren’t complete without them. And to be honest, being in the minority is part of what makes it so thrilling.

However, being a member of such a marginalized population in a highly male-dominated sport like jiujitsu means that there are a lot of challenges that are often not talked about. A lot of women don’t have any other women at their gym to talk to. Some women don’t want to admit to the other women at the gym their feelings. Some people just like to read blogs, and it helps to realize: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

We want to share our love of jiujitsu with the world and also express our happiness and frustration. We hope to bond with the female jiujitsu community over the unique challenges we face. From having boobs and periods to questioning our abilities and belt levels, women confront a myriad of physical and emotional barriers in jiujitsu.

Let’s face it: As women, we need 100 times more heart than men in order to succeed in this sport. In this way, we hope to offer mutual help and support to our BJJ sisters around the world. Part of this will involve an “advice column” portion that will answer your questions. Some of the topics we plan to cover in the coming weeks include:

• Looking out for safety: it’s okay to say no!
• Love and sex with people at the gym
• Competing with men
• Periods, farts, and tears - oh my!
• Rolling aggressively- am I a bitch?

You can look for our posts every second and fourth Sunday night EST time.

Your authors are both blue belts and coaches in male-dominated gyms. We are both American and have trained in the United States and abroad. We have both competed several times in national and international tournaments. We are long distance besties but usually get to spend about three weeks a year training together, and those three weeks are the BEST.

We want your questions and feedback! Email us and comment below!

Our email is liz.meg223@gmail.com.

Love,

Liz and Meg